A Pensive Posting

"You're going to lose what little hair you have left if you worry like you do," Renton told me. Renton is the 50something Hawaiian surf instructor who I met when he picked me up hitch-hiking to Lahaina. He also gave me the surf fins for my board too, just to teach me 'aloha.'
"Just gotta relax... chill, uncle," he added as he sat at the bar and I went back to my work at the Maui Brewing Co.
I think it was then that I realized how much pressure I've been putting on myself to be successful... or at least not a disappointment. But if I constantly worry about the approval of others then I'm disappointing myself. Where did the nonchalant, "don't-give-a-fuck" college kid go so quickly? Have I not done great things already that I shouldn't be able to take a step back to reflect and relax; a vacation from the expectations I've placed on myself?
I've had the frightening enlightenment that comes from a close call accident. I've also had the "do-good" opportunity and made the most of AmeriCorps. I feel that Hawaii should stand as the chapter of pure self-indulgence, but I find myself with this heavy feeling that comes with the yoke of avoiding what I "should be doing," versus what I'm doing to "get by."
When or where do I find that neutral ground and does it even exist?

I'm not sure if it's the phase in life of which I am currently or whether I'm picking up the right books, watching the right films or listening to the right music, but I'm finding more and more themes or lines that are applicable to my life. Or maybe I've been putting myself into everything I come across like someone that centers his/her life around the Daily Horoscopes. I like to think it is more of the former and less of the latter.
Regardless, as I was sitting on the beach flipping through an anthology of American Essays and just finishing my thoughts about where I am vs where I "should" be, I came across an essay by Ian Frazier called, "A Lovely Sort of Lower Purpose." The excerpt below caught my attention because (and I'll paraphrase) it said something along the lines of:
"What are you doing?" is the question that pursues me...whenever I go fishing I'm not satisfied with merely being out there. I must catch fish. And when I catch fish, I must catch more and bigger fish.
The essay was printed in Outside Magazine about a decade back and the story Frazier tells is like looking at my childhood through the words of someone else. He discusses how he used to play/explore "in the woods" as a kid, and was perfectly content with going on an adventure but stopping to break ice instead. There was no purpose or goal to attain, being "side-tracked" from the adventure was never an issue because just being in the woods was perfectly fine in itself. He continues to say how as they grew older, he and his friends began to ask themselves "what are you doing?" instead of accepting their actions and play unquestioningly. This turns into a discussion on the word marginal and places that are considered marginal where a plethora of people go to use a river overlook for various reasons, i.e parties, sunsets, pulling kids in the sleds, Army tanks practice driving, etc. But this place may soon be developed and those limitless activities/possibilites will soon be limited to whatever is developed. And people will have to go elsewhere to find a place where they can live "marginally."

I've digressed into more of a summary than I meant to, but the main idea I wanted to achieve is that I don't have to ask "What are you doing?" I can just... do. I'm going to make an effort to make less of an effort. Right now I don't have to worry about how many fish I catch or (switching to my Hawaiian lifestyle) how many waves I ride. I want to live in the moments I remember most; like surfing in the rain. Where I don't care if I catch a wave or not because just paddling out and letting the undulation of the ocean mixed with the sound of rain hitting the water (like listening to pop-rocks candy without the obnoxious crackling in your mouth) is therapeutic enough to last a lifetime.
This is a great chance to be happy just being out there.